Signposts for beauty

A few reminders of the terrain we’ve covered

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.” – Seneca

I deeply wish to identify as a kind, generous, patient and open-hearted dreamer who loves herself unconditionally, pursues creative endeavors without worry for the outcome, and forgives all those who have wronged her.

How does that saying go…if wishes were fishes? If we could simply make our intentions so, this would have been a short how-to post with perhaps three easy steps, and not a year-long concerted campaign.

It takes a lot of awareness, reframing, and repetition to pave new default neural pathways, and these can always be overridden at the tipping point of overwhelm or fear.

Progress is incremental and cumulative. Each day we aim to practice compassionate awareness of the tell-tale signs that we are slipping into self-sabotaging inner narratives, such that we can recover ourselves a little sooner each time.

As we wind down this year of authoring beauty, I am finding it helpful for myself to review some of these signposts, and the reframes that can divert us from an aggravating path we know all too well toward a more authentic direction:

The Victim Story

It’s not fair. Why do bad things keep happening to me?

Sabotaging chain reactions: gray-colored glasses, mistrust, projecting blame, resentment, defensiveness, loss of relationships, withdrawing from life, loneliness, apathy, exhaustion, self-medication

When Joseph Campbell, the comparative mythologist who studied stories across cultures and generations, identified the core monomyth of the hero’s journey, it made sense. We share stories to impart life lessons, and perhaps the most essential skill for a fulfilling life is that of adopting a growth mindset in the midst of difficulty, mastering the shift from “Why is this happening to me?” to “Why is this happening for me?”

The Not Good Enough Story

Who am I to…be loved, get the job, write the book, be happy, charge more, take time off, etc.

Sabotaging chain reactions: self-doubt, comparison, judgment, risk aversion, unsatisfying relationships, poor boundaries, self-sacrifice, self-criticism, anxious rumination, overexplaining, resentment, self-medication

“Why risk so much?,” this belief asks, in an attempt to save us from the embarrassing and certain demise of seeking to rise above our limited station. The not good enough belief can resurface anytime we feel vulnerable, as imposter syndrome when growing into bigger risks, comparison and jealousy when falling in love, and self-recrimination after we make a mistake.

A small life certainly presents fewer risks, but it also guarantees a measure of suffering.

The Scarcity Story

I don’t have enough…money, time, energy, opportunity, [fill in the blank].

Sabotaging chain reactions: comparison, judgment, rushing, panic, impatience, resentment, reactivity, overcompensating, disappointment, overwhelm, burnout, apathy, self-medication

This could be called the “not enough” story, but instead of ourselves as lacking, this narrative convinces us that everything we need or want is in highly competitive short supply and we either aren’t getting our fair share, or we need to hoard what we do have. Scarcity is the driving force behind blocking someone from merging in traffic, hating entire groups of people categorically, and trading our lives away for empty social security blankets (money, status, appearances, etc).

The scarcity narrative keeps us trapped on the hedonic treadmill of someday. Gratitude is a reliable bridge back into all the resources we do have now, even when things are very hard.

The Black & White Story

I am/they are good/bad, right/wrong.

Sabotaging chain reactions: judgment, perfectionism, defensiveness, overreaction, holding grudges, chronic anger, estrangement, loneliness, self-sacrifice, guilt, anxiety, panic

Control is the great internal myth of safety. We establish black-and-white templates in early childhood as we figure out how to best get our needs met. At that age, we lack a fully functioning frontal cortex - the evolved area of the brain that can think about complex problems with curiosity and creativity. Instead, we cry and get fed, or cry and get yelled at. We perform and receive criticism, or perform and receive praise.

We establish an oversimplified decision tree for how to feel safe and then carry it into adulthood where our task is to become secure within ourselves so that we can take in the bigger picture. What are all of the other possibilities?

The Should Story

It shouldn’t be like this.

Sabotaging chain reactions: insecure relationships, denial, complacency, paralysis, projection of blame, panic, manipulation, overreaction, anxiety, discontentment, complicated and extended grief, self-medication

Should stories are rooted in attachments that deny reality by convincing us that our hopes or pleasures in life are actually needs that we deserve and can expect, which of course leads to a lot of extra suffering when we inevitably face our own inevitable mistakes and losses. A should story traps us in a romanticized past or future, and is often coated in a narrative of fairness.

The reality is that we are never in control and life is inherently unfair. Loss and disappointment can either lead to anger and further loss, or imbue meaning into all that we experience and how we choose to honor the gift of life. When we surrender to the river of life, we tend to enjoy deeper appreciation and presence because nothing goes perfectly or lasts forever.

All of these inner narratives are protective, just vastly oversensitive, taking hold from just a whiff of vulnerability. When we live from these templates, we manifest self-fulfilling prophesies, returning again and again to the same wounds.

In curiously observing the signs, we can become aware of the story we are in, and then make a conscious choice to alter that narrative to one that is more authentic, adaptive, and responsive to current conditions. We simultaneously become more curious and detached from others’ stories, making us far more effective at communication, boundaries, and love.

Regardless of the constrained script we find ourselves in, may we remember and then rewrite ourselves as far more capable than we are giving ourselves credit for.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”

– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

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