Sonder and the spaciousness of empathy
Discovering our stories by seeing others as more than characters
In 2012, writer John Koenig invented the word sonder as part of a decade-plus long project of expanding the English vocabulary of feelings.
By his definition, sonder means:
“the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own - populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness - an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you'll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”
Of all the new words Koenig has fashioned, sonder seemed to pluck a heart string within us, and it has since taken on a life of its own within other dictionaries, poems, and even brand names. Why?
Perhaps because we are often stuck in our own echo chamber, living out each day from our singular agenda, filtering our experiences through a limited filter of beliefs.
Sonder evokes a spaciousness I feel just as soon as an unexpected moment pops that bubble (often due to receiving a kindness).
What a relief it is to exist beyond my own mind’s threat-oriented default decision trees, beyond stories of other people taking advantage of me, abandoning me, rejecting me, or not caring about me, beyond the stories I tell about myself. I’m unworthy, not enough, too much.
When we are drawn into a state of curious empathy, we are relieved of the anxiety and suffering contained within our stories. We return to our expansive capacity for optimism, listening, kindness, and delight.
As we continue our journey into authoring more beautiful stories about ourselves and our lives, an invitation to practice intentional, curious empathy.
Take a walk to see people, to experience sonder. On your next commute, imagine the interesting, beautiful, challenging lives of the other drivers you encounter.
In your community, look for hints about the lives taking place beneath your surface interactions.
Call up a dear one and learn something new about their life. What is hard right now? What are they excited about?
Many of us are habituated caretakers or identify as “empaths.” We already give others more leeway or credit than we give ourselves. The difference we are aiming for is subtle.
Instead of an autopilot sacrifice of our own needs or boundaries to listen or care for someone else, a script based on a protective self-fulfilling story of purpose and neglect, we are noticing with intentional curiosity that we are all living in our own meaningful, diverse, intricate stories.
The compassionate curiosity with which we encounter others from that place is not about comparison, excuses for their behaviors, or excuses for our own. We are popping our own bubble of self-centered storytelling, taking off the default blinders to open up our reality.
When we see others as so much more than characters passing in and out of our plot, we get a chance to see our stories from above, and create the space to question those beliefs.
What do you (perhaps bravely) notice about your default assumptions from that vantage point?
Authoring Beauty Practices:
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Nobody judges me as harshly as I imagine; virtually no-one cares about my own trivial concerns. Although nearly everybody looks like they've got it together, we're all carrying private burdens.
Trusting that nobody is focused on me both allows me to fearlessly lean into myself without concern for perception, and it makes space to wonder at the immense lived experience swirling around me in any given moment.
If I were to respond with a sense of awe and curiosity rather than fear, what might I learn about myself and others? What unimaginable beauty is already brushing shoulders with my life?
When I create space, there's room to pause and be curious. Instead of letting fear have a chokehold on me and how I'll be perceived, I can be curious about why I'm reacting in a certain way to another person or even more space to wonder why they're reacting to me in such a way. Pausing and curiosity make room for me to act in a way that's more true to my deeper self and more understanding of others.